|
Fwd: Girls will always be girls
11:30pm, Saturday night:
I wake up with a start, and automatically look at the clock on my wall. I've been asleep on the couch, in front of the television set for the past hour and a half. I feel so tense. Pete. He's not home yet, although he had promised to get here much, much earlier.
"I guess it's difficult to get away from the boys when you're having so much fun," I tell myself. I resolve not to worry about him. I won't call. I won't send an sms.
I'll just sit here, and be a good, TRUSTING girlfriend.
11:36pm:
Hmm, perhaps I should at least sms him to find out if he's still coming. Because if he's changed his mind, then I would like to know, so that I can ease my mind and trundle off to bed. On the other hand, I might look like I am a nag. I'll just sit here and be a calm, TRUSTING girlfriend.
11:37pm:
Against my better judgment, I pick up my phone and send: "What's up, Cher ? U still coming?"
Now all I have to do is wait for a reply. My mind is already at ease.
12:02am, Sunday morning:
No reply yet. I know that boy is up to something fishy that probably involves another woman.
12:02:15am:
I pick up the phone and, heart in my throat, call Pete's number. There's a long connection pause before I here the words I dread the most: "Mteja wa nambari uliopiga hapatikani
" (Unreachable!)
12:03am:
THAT MAN IS CHEATING ON ME! I can feel it in my bones. Why else would he be 'mteja'?
That's it. This relationship is over. I just need to talk to him now (before I change my mind) and tell him not to bother coming over. Ever.
1am:
My phone is still silent. I look at my call register. I seem to have dialed Pete's number 27 times. Then an idea hits me; if I switch off my phone, then it'll be me who's out of touch, and I won't need to worry about whether he called me or not. In fact, Pete will be the one to worry after all, he'll probably be wondering why I am on mteja when I should be at home, waiting for him like a nice, obedient girlfriend.
1:35am:
I'll just switch on my phone for a few minutes to see if anyone like Gee, for example has tried to reach me. Yes, there is a voice mail message waiting for me.
A gentle smile lights up my face; I knew Pete would come through. I should never have doubted him. My smile turns upside down when I hear Gee's voice going: "Hey, girl! I know you must be in the middle of..." I disconnect the call before I hear her through. I'm not particularly interested in anything she has to say.
2am:
WHY ISN'T PETE CALLING?! What if he's currently trapped in a car accident, arms pinned to his side, wondering how to reach me? What if he's been mugged and beaten senseless?
2:15am:
I've tried calling Pete five more times, but he's still out of touch. If he's hurt or injured, maybe one of his other friends will know. But who to call? Wait a minute Pete mentioned something about being with Steve. I'll call him and find out.
2:16am:
Steve's phone rings for what seems like eons before he picks up. When he does, the background noise of glasses clinking, women (women!) shouting and music playing assaults my ears.
"HELLO," he shouts.
"Steve, I-,"
"HELLO,"
"Steve-,"
"HELLO! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" Hmph. Tell me something I don't know. I disconnect the call in disgust.
2:20am:
If Steve and Pete are together, then they are in a bar, with beer, music and WOMEN!
A lone tear falls from my eye. Why do I always end up with cheats like Pete? My sadness turns to anger as I contemplate the fact that it probably isn't me. Maybe it's just Pete who's a lying bastard. And lying bastards need to be taught lessons.
2:24am:
I'll show him, I tell myself as I walk out of the bedroom, and head straight for the CD rack and locate his prized Tupac CD. I am going to ANNIHILATE his precious music collection. I am going to DESTROY his clothes and RIP his shoes. I'm going to SHOW him how to treat a woman. I open the case, and carefully split the CD in two. Just as I am about to reach for his rare collectors Notorious Big CD, my doorbell rings.
2:24:35am:
I open the door and find
Pete! He's all muddy and dirty and looking thoroughly apologetic. "Sorry Swit," he says as he gives me a warm hug, my open mouth notwithstanding. "My car broke down just as I was getting here, had to get towed," he says. "Then my phone ran out of charge in the middle of all of this, and I couldn't figure out how to get in touch with you. So I found a phone booth and tried to call you, but your phone was off. So I called Gee and asked her to tell you what had happened. Did she get through to you? I love you. I missed you. I hope you didn't worry too much."
Then he proceeds to give me a nice, big kiss all over my still-open mouth.
2:24:45am:
OH NO! WHAT AM I GOING TO TELL PETE ABOUT HIS TUPAC CD!?
It is difficult to see the picture when you are inside of the frame
TOP
Fwd: The Dating Guide: What They Say Vs. What They Mean
"We need to talk." - "I'm pregnant"
"I had a wonderful time last night." - "Who the hell are you?"
"I've been thinking a lot." - "You're not as attractive when I was drunk"
"I've learned a lot from you." - "Next."
"I want a commitment." - "I'm sick of masturbation"
"I have something to tell you." - "Get tested."
"I'm a romantic." - "I'm poor"
"I never meant to hurt you." - "I thought you weren't a virgin."
"Trust me." - "Let's just keep this between you and me, pumpkin."
"I love you." - "God, what have I gotten myself into?"
"I think we should just be friends." - "You're ugly"
"Haven't I seen you before?" - " Nice ass"
"Was it good for you?" - "I'm insecure about my manhood"
"I think we should see other people." - "I have been seeing other people"
"Let's get married." - "Does that mean we can do it now?"
"We don't have to do anything until you're ready." - "Put out or get out."
"I still think about you." - "I miss the sex."
"Is there something wrong?" - "Is it supposed to be this soft?"
"You're so mature." - "I hope you're eighteen."
"Yes...Yes...(scream!)." - "Aren't you done yet?"
TOP
Fwd: Lessons
What are some lessons you've learned by ACCIDENT? Here are 10 of mine:
-That my nuts stay hung reeeeally low after dipping them in cold water,they
jificha(hide) first, of course
-That boiled eggs in the microwave don't take long to baghdad
-That if you massage a chik's neck, anywhere, her eyes close automatically
-That if you smell somm nusty for while, you'll shoota same smell
-That you really don't have to pay for stuff on the bottom of your Sam's
club shopping cart
-That you need elbow pads to walk on ice
-That Bavaria tastes better than Heineken
-That if you milk a cow from behind, you'll need a good dental plan
-That if you over-eat at an Indian restaurant, you'll need some good A/C for
your bang hole
-That birds don't give a sh!t if you just waxed your car. D@mn those birds!!
TOP
Fwd: How to Identify Where A Driver Is From
1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago.
2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York.
3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: New Jersey.
4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston.
5. One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, with gun in lap: Los Angeles.
6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.
7. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy.
8. One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game: Seattle.
9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: Texas.
10. Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia.
11. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida.
TOP
Fwd: 40 Funny Reasons Why It's Wonderful To Be A Woman
1. When a ship sinks, women (and children) get off first.
2. A woman can hug her best friend without worrying she'll think she's gay.
3. Women can talk to attractive members of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
4. A woman can never be blamed if it's wet on the floor around the toilet bowl.
5. If a woman cheats on her spouse everyone will assume it's because she was being emotionally neglected.
6. Women are capable of doing at least two different things to a passable standard at the same time.
7. Women live longer than men.
8. Women know how to cover up spots and other facial blemishes.
9. If a woman inexplicably disappears for two weeks, one of her friends will notice.
10. Women mature earlier than men (some men never mature at all).
11. There are times when chocolate is really the answer to all woman's problems.
12. Women don't feel uncomfortable with gay waiters or hairdressers.
13. A woman can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
14. Women know the truth about whether size matters...
15. A woman can take a drive without trying to beat her best time.
16. If a woman forgets to shave, no-one has to know.
17. Women are capable of going longer than five minutes without thinking about either sex or football.
18. Women never lust after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
19. Women can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
20. Women can cry and get off a speeding ticket.
21. A woman can get a whole new lease on life just by changing her lipstick.
22. A woman can congratulate her team-mate without ever touching her rear.
23. Women don't have to worry about catching anything important in their zipper.
24. If a woman says something stupid, most men will just think she's cute.
25. Women can admit to others when they've made a mistake
26. If a woman cries, she's sensitive; if a man cries, he's a wimp.
27. Women know who their children are without having a DNA test.
28. It's cool to be a daddy's girl. It's sad to be a mummy's boy.
29. Women can wear platforms - which is why there is no such thing as a short woman's complex.
30. Women can watch one TV channel at a time without getting bored.
31. Women have total control over their eyebrows.
32. Women can get drunk quicker and cheaper than men.
33. A woman's friend won't try to persuade her to get a tattoo while she's drunk.
34. A woman won't drive to Hell and back before she asks for directions.
35. Women aren't covered with hair like shag carpeting.
36. Women don't feel threatened if their partner earns more than they do.
37. For women, a new season means a whole new wardrobe.
38. Women know exactly what buttons to push to get exactly what they want.
39. Women don't think reading the manual is a betrayal of all their species stands for.
40. Women can keep pot plants alive for more than a week.
TOP
Fwd: Now Reasons why Men Are Just Happier People
-->
Your last name stays put.
-->
The garage is all yours.
-->
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
-->
Chocolate is just another snack.
-->
You can be President.
-->
You can never be pregnant.
-->
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
-->
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
-->
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
-->
The world is your urinal.
-->
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
-->
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
-->
Same work, more pay.
-->
Wrinkles add character.
-->
Graying hair adds attraction.
-->
Wedding dress~$5000. Tux rental~$100.
-->
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
-->
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
-->
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
-->
One mood all the time.
-->
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
-->
You know stuff about tanks.
-->
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
-->
You can open all your own jars.
-->
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
-->
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
-->
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
-->
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
-->
You almost never have strap problems in public.
-->
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
-->
Everything on your face stays its original color.
-->
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
-->
You only have to shave your face and neck.
-->
You can play with toys all your life.
-->
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
-->
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
-->
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
-->
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
-->
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
-->
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
TOP
Fwd: The Great Truths Of Life
Great Truths That Little Children Have Learned:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
Great Truths That Adults Have Learned:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge... mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
Great Truths About Growing Old:
1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you are down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
TOP
| 
